Hard Times

You do admit that,

You have that one evocative secret,

you'll never share with anyone.

And you do have days

when you feel woeful

for no apparent reason.

There is one person, you carry

the weight of, in your heavy heart.

That one confused memory,

you want to get rid of or 

live all over again at once.

For one time, 

you let down the most important person,

or the other way round.

That one moment,

when you had to let go off something,

you wanted to hold on till eternity.

One hopeless day,

when you felt utterly worthless.

One close friend,

who ditched you for your friend.

One dear thing,

you accidentally lost or broke.

One nostalgic song,

you keep on fighting with.

And atleast one pathetic time,

when you thought everything's fallen

and things were never getting better.

Kudos, you outlived that.
It's okay to feel worthless,

or confused, or sad sometimes

and not have reason for it.
You see, if

All times were happy,

No times were happy.

The moment you stop expecting is the moment you start getting. 
#truestory

If you don't have any dreams, Find a fear and work your ass off.

They say "All's well that ends well'. Why it isn't that all's well that had been well throughout, just didn't end well?

Men are to be understood

With arms wrapped 
around my sensitive body,
He dived
Into the ocean of my eyes,
to the depths of my heart,
reaching to touch my soul.
I lost a little.
He pulled me even closer,
to confuse his breath with mine,
I lost a bit more.
He clicked my hair flick
behind my ear,
his fingers crossed my face
touching my cheeks.
I lost a little bit more.
I looked in his eyes,
and couldn't help
to lose even more & say it all
in just three magical words.
This time,
His arms loosened a little,
his grip over me,
He rose up from the
waters of my eyes, heart & soul
Like a lost diver
Who got afraid of losing his breath.
"We can't cross the line" he said
"We can't have attachments"
I lost it all.
I didn't understand 
why and what was said
I didn't understand 
the love I was still feeling inside,
Why his arms were still around me
And didn't understand the guy,
Who got the first pleasure 
to sniff my hair like that.
I understand it now,
that Men are meant to be understood,
not loved.‎

The Unsaid

Break ups are tough, especially those relationships when you thought that you were done with search of all next lives. I can't help writing down the last Wednesday. Like one of the regular days when I get back from office with 'What a waste of life' expression. Working your ass off against 750 bucks a month is not passable sometimes. 

I entered home with wrinkled forehead, carrying heavy files in my left arm, checking my whatsapp messages on the phone in my right hand. My whatsapp works only when I get into the wifi zone of my place.

Mom was watching T.V. in the room, one of the very rare times when I see her body at rest.

"Edha beta, Come join me" she said wanting me to agree or even atleast disagree.
"Hmmm" I left for my room making a meaningless sound like every other time when I'm not in a mood to reply.
I went back to her within two minutes to avoid the unnecessary thoughts that I'd be having sitting in my room, alone.
"Come here" she spreads her left arm sitting on the bed, half lying.
I sit and let half of me disappear in there.
"How was the day?" she asked not looking at me, but the LED screen.
"Fine" I said,with the not in a mood to talk tone.
I was feeling way too weak, so I slid down and kept my head in her lap. She welcomed.
"You know what?" She said brushing my long hair with her fingers.
"Hmm" I said, suggesting her to continue.
"You're one of the best things that ever happened to us" she said out of being the mother to me.
I kind of ignored.
"Anyone who can see you smile, has his ears working to hear your shrill voice and can feel the skin of your palm," she kept her hand on mine, which I had put on my stomach, "would never deny your camaraderie, no matter how tough you are" and continued, conveying the fact that she can see through my eyes and land in my heart to see what I am going through, like every mother in the world.
"How could you even for a moment think that I'd let you marry a blind deaf?" she took the veil down between two of us about something I could never share with her.

I broke down, inside.
A silence crept in the room for next forty seconds.

 I hadn't felt this light in past 3 months.
"Maa What would I do without you?" I finally said something, with tears dying to come out of my eyes.
She smiled tapping my hand, telling me that I was stupid for saying that. I smiled back, hopelessly.
She returned back to watching her one of the Peace of mind channels. I shifted my my eyes there too.

This is Why

I'm told often, 
My poems are sad, 
My write touches
and my stories are incomplete.
Friends ask
Why I still have your stuff
When you're gone.
Why didn't I burn the pictures
in which we're still together.
Bhai says
I need to stop
thinking, 
reacting to it, 
and writing about it.
My heart tells me
that I deserve better, 
tells me to really delete it all.
But, 
I fail to convince them
that your stuff is reality to me, 
introduces me to life.
Our pictures are reminder
to my conscious, 
conveys me that nothing lasts forever
Not having you makes me realize, 
that what one deserves
is not what one always wants.
And I fail to tell, even with
all broken pieces of my write
that to me, you are ceaseless.
To me, you are my poetry.

Only If we never grew up

The cab starts at the doorway

So our hearts, to sink

And we all stand there

Mom flaunting the buoyancy

And me pretending

Also, that ice cream man far off

Who served us with happiness

Long enough to join the moment

Today, a part of me feels too old

To catch one cone for two of us.

I look away and I see

He looks back at mom,

From the moving car

Like the kid from his van

On first day of kindergarten

And he just smiles at me,

Smiles so intense

Smiles so wide

Smiles so sad

Smiles that often turn into tears.

Mom loses herself in,

With the disappearing car.

Only I standstill there

It feels like

The streets we strolled in

The parks we played in

The corners we laughed in

The dwelling we grew up in

Everything,

Everything I stand in amidst of

Gazes at me

And tells me

Things will never be the same

And Times were never coming back.

(For Bhai : 

This is the mere two minutes moment of us getting apart when you left home for job.

I feel wonderful thinking that you're finally a grown self stand man, accompanied by the sadness of us not being together.

But that's what gives life a meaning.

Times change, Places change and So do people.

But I believe, the bond we share is eternal, beyond the distances and afar the time)

What if I don't wake up tomorrow

Everyday I wake up
A thought keeps me drowning, 
What if I don't wake up the next morning? 
What about the dreams, 
I didn't wake up of.
The wardrobe of my fantasies, 
The car at my doorway, 
yet to be bought.
The home, I longed to live in.
How about
The confessions I never made, 
The chances I couldn't take
The regrets I owe to life
The apologies they owe to me
What about those unread books of my time
The last pages of my notebooks
The unused diaries lying there
The chronicles I wanted to give life to
And what about
The lines I wrote to myself
The unfinished stories, 
And The ceaseless poetry, 
I put my heart in.
Who'll inherit my reveries, 
my oddness, my zeal 
and the memories
that were just mine.
And what if I don't wake up tomorrow
Will it be all? 
Will it really be the end of my life?

 (This poem is a never ending thought of me, 
I want my things, all my stuff, my fantasies and my dreams to stay alive in some way or the other, even when I am no more.
I want someone to carry on with the dreams that I couldn't and fulfill them, I want someone to complete my unfinished stories. But the irony is, no one can finish those stories but me.
We can not inherit what's inside of us.
The memories, my dreams, my smile, my passion and everything related to me will pass away with me, And that's what makes me worry.)

*

I crave for no person to fulfill my expectations, except the one in the mirror.

Bordered between infatuation and love

You see how this is,
Only when I had everything
Figured out about life,
All in place
And I notioned this was it.
Right then, you happened
In your red shirt
and blue chinos,
Sang me the songs I already loved,
Took me uphill, we both loved
Touched my face
With fingertips, so tender.
How the instant time we had
Was breathtaking, consuming and potent
How you convinced everyday,
That we're meant to be.
How I couldn't even imagine
What my life was a week back
And how I lost myself,
In crave of wanting to be yours.
But,
Because I wanted to hold your hand
And never leave,
See your face shine
With the first morning ray,
Talk my heart out
And make you do the same,
Last longer than we did
And eventually grow up with you.
Because I didn't know
What to react
Who to handle, me or you
How not to mess up
and why to trust.
And because I found you,
Found you with that cute weird smile
'cause I found myself in you,
I thought it was worth,
Seven lives of search.
No, I don't rely on sentiments like that
I believe infatuations,
But for one little moment
I felt it for you,
I felt everything they call 'love'