If you are always expecting in return for the good you do to others, you aren't really doing any good at all.

Nothing worth having comes free. 

Unlike the miles

Between you and I 

is immeasurable 

untravellable,

an empty space

between your heart and mine

Forgiving and letting go at the same time makes you stronger, smarter and a winner at the same time. 

Two generations feed on

one body of yours,

served for starve and lust.

You are made love to 

sadly, sans making you feel loved

leaving thou empty yet

so much so it hurts

through each lump of every organ.

The touch of your own hand

more promising though

doesn't feel the same,

You've let men guest on you

for the fantasies of your love

you aimlessly accommodate

in and out

blood, bones and bodies,

till letting go

becomes forgetting and 

forgetting becomes familiar.

You've been taught to hold on 

till forever.

So you hold on 

to being a woman

to being the stronger version of humanity.

The Road

Asphalted beautifully,
in my country not so fine though 
somewhere grey, somewhere fawn
somewhere dense, sparse somewhere,
promises me and thou
a companionship
through the wandering,
diverging into rights and wrongs
reaching everywhere
ending nowhere.

There are no shortcuts in life, only Displacements.

Charms Now and Forever

It keeps me wondering

What fascinates more about it,

Curves or the steeps?

For it oscillates me

while driving my blue

and thrills my adrenal,

clambering the sheer trails.

What's more bewitching

Beauty or the wildness?

For the sight, I capture

in my vision gets me through,

and the viciousness

helps me resolve within.

What is more adorable 

Chills or the companion?

For gales cross my face

whispering the nature secrets,

and a caring shirt covers me

every time I take off my shrug.

What makes it more wanted

Tranquility or the memories?

For it soothes and heals

every wound out & in me,

and souvenirs with echoes

to be recollected for life.

It keeps me pondering

What is more loving about hills,

Everything or beyond?

I write, again

Was

on a high-highway

sorted all, all in place

fenced by will

and the trues.

En route, I found

a branching-boulevard

overfilled with passion

and with escape.

That

gleaming grin 

for me, imparting

Excursion-Endearment-Esteem

Replenishment!

Yes! 

a chaotic attractor

instilling into my soul

promptly nurturing me

to accomplish.

But

Farawayness-

of time

over again.

Yet

Hours-Days-Weeks

of wait for

the needful 

and untimely

rains.

To fill up the

deepness of 

Oblique-Emptied-Hollow

river ‘tween us.

So

Waiting 

to float across

and waiting more-

for that

desired touch 

to create.

Moreover, to attain

our notion of 

unending embrace.

And

queries dinging

in my mind-

While I reach, will you be there?

Or will just fade away?

Reigning Love? 

Or hurt again?

That’s why

I write,

Again.

-Abhinav Chhabra

Happy New Year

December is assuredly the most positive time of the year, probably because it's when you start accepting the evolution of past 11 months, it is absolutely astoundingly beautiful yet scary how things changed and you ultimately lived through everything. Irrespective of the hard times, you sit back and realize how right it was and then there is a new beginning waiting for you.
Although, not many would disagree with me that the promises and plans you make in the beginning for the whole new year is no where close to the actual when it ends, because we'll never be ahead of time, not even close.
I feel each year is like a friend, who solely plans and also implements it all, creates and retains memories in its name, does the right thing irrespective of the hurt it causes, because in the end, you'll find yourself in a place where you couldn't plan to be, by yourself. Each year you befriend a number and have it added to your age and memories. Maybe a decade later you'll be like "2010 was the best year for it  made me meet the love of my life" or "The proudest feeling was getting honored with a graduation degree in 2013" or "If it wasn't in 2014 when I moved to this city I'd still be sulking in that restless job." The point is that the contribution of each year to this thing called life is inevitable and equally significant.
Year concept is so beautiful, like it's not too short to lose it's importance nor long enough to lose hope for a fresh start. It's so amazing to be able to genuinely move on with not-even-followed-for-a-month resolutions for life. Maybe it's the hope that keeps us going. I remember how hopeful I was that 2014 was going to be good because it's an even number and now 2015 is going to be so much better because ironically it just doesn't sound that odd. Whatever the number might be, a year will always embark on excitement and end on a contented note of acceptance.
I raise my glass with ecstasy to this very ending year and forthcoming start.
Thank you 2014,You guided me back home.

War against the Unjust

I've been fighting my urge to write this for so long due to paucity of knowledge. I don't think I understand much about these terrorists, politics, religion or anything at all. Honestly, I still don't exactly get what and why this 'Taliban' thing is after an hour of googling, maybe most of so many people who lost their lives of this neither.

I can't recall much from my time though I do have fair flashbacks, in fact we all have that, from 2008 Mumbai Attack, that Virgina Tech shootings, 7/11 Delhi Bombings, then elementary school shootings in Connecticut back in 2012 and so many incidents that our minds fail to retain. And now learning this attack in Peshawar just breaks my heart. I no longer know who I want to pray in front of for those little souls to rest in peace and for those who lost their loved ones to nothing and will never know peace anymore and are just going to fight the rage of helplessness for rest of their lives.

I don't want to refer to the poor laws or any political leaders or parties for not doing anything about it, Maybe they can't help it either, for they are just as destroyable as we are, the normal people. This day, I question the existence of any God at all. I believe this has to be His job to step in and concede justice.

Why is it always the innocent who suffers, not just in attacks but of diseases and accidents too? Why not ever one of the terrorists who are after lives of the innocent, accidentally hit his car and just die? Why aren't they ever the victims of Cancers and tumors because they totally deserve it? Maybe I'm just emotional and naive. But seriously why don't bad things happen to bad people and good things to good? Isn't this the logic? 

And if nothing is fair, What is the whole point of life? or religions or countries or law or anything? Why do we have to live for the day when someone shoots a gun aimlessly in our face and walk past without having to pay for it?

Hard to absorb but this is never getting better, this will never be better. This world is and will always be unfair. Maybe a complete restart of humanity could work or maybe cruelty and humanity go hand in hand.

The Unleft

Because I let you take our cat
and upcoming vacation tickets 
and our favorite polaroid 300
and all our stuff, now yours,
leaving nothing to myself
but independence
of starting over
may be a little sadder, but wiser,
after 'we' are hopelessly done
like my shallow crave of growing
an inch or two taller or slimmer,
Not that I don't sense you now
in every sip of our favorite coffee, sadly
the guy at cafe smiles and lifts his heels 
to see from how far you follow me in,
or when I put the same shirt 
I wore the first time you hugged me,
hard to get why it still whiffs of
your bergamot and olive blossom, aroma
that grew on me like a tumor. 
I still see you in my dreams 
laughing with me, sometimes brawiling,
defining and undefining 
the meaning of love.
Each morning tastes of yesterdayness 
and of dreams of betrayal.
I see you through all the places
we explored, the cities we toured to,
those roads now mapped on my palms
to be read like horoscope,
un-do-able. 
Come what may,
I shift from where
You were my way in between 
the rights and wrongs
to some way in between bereft
and the reaches you never left.

Someday, Maybe

Like one of those flimsy hopes 

that keep us going nowhere,

I secretly believe in coincidences,

and myths of a kind that

world is really a small place.

Like they show in movies

which spoil and grow on us,

that years from now

someday somewhere somehow

We'll find each other again

far away, in a third city

that belongs to neither of us.

I let myself hope that

we'll meet at a coffee shop

sited on a boulevard road,

ordering the same coffee

on a common counter,

Or we'll collide in rain

on a busy road with a hurried crowd 

and we'll find time to

look past to have each other's glance,

Or,

We'll be facing each other

in Coast Starlight, travelling

from Seattle to Los Angeles.

Maybe you'll look at me, 

maybe you'll still remember

how we dreamt of the train together,

maybe we'll fail to smile 

and realize how we never moved on

maybe we could blame time

for not being the right one,

maybe you'll reach to hug 

the emptiness out of me 

may be we'll find 

the long lost love,
maybe we could start over
and guide each other back home.

maybe we could try again,

maybe.

Us

"I need your help!" Samay shouted as I picked up his call.

"What the hell do you want in the mid of the night?" I was in the middle of a dream which I won't ever spare him for breaking.

"I want to buy a gift for Kiara" he said.

Okay, so Kiara was leaving the city and returning to her hometown and we had planned this farewell lunch which Aarav was probably not going to join,  as unlike three of us, he had a real job that paid him pretty well. We four met during our training with a common firm where there were around ten more people who could be a part of our group but more people just don't like getting along.

"Are you even there?"

"Yes yes, what gift, why gift?" I was still not in my senses.

"She is leaving tomorrow, I want to give her something. Help me."

"Okay what do you want to gift?"

"Why do you think have I called you?"

"Oh man, gift some fancy chocolates and a card."

"No! I want to give something that'll never finish, something she needs to take care of"

"Okay, we'll hunt for something before lunch. I know this gift store near my place, I'll help you choose"

"Oh sure you will, you are my savior! I love you." Samay never skips a chance to confess stuff like this.

"Oh bite me!" I was disgusted as ever. "Wait! You never gifted me anything, you ass!" This is probably the first thing that comes to mind when you are asked to company someone to buy a present for a mutual friend.

"Oh little Eleena, what do you think I haven't thought anything for you? Let the right time come." he would have winked saying this in live.

"Haha, cool haann, okay I'm going back to sleep now, you'll be charged if you want to talk more."

"No! I just can't afford it, Right then, See you at 10, place?"

"My place, we'll go from here"

"Cool, Good night. Bye."

"Bye" I hung up.

I dozed off thinking why were we even planning for a lunch, like why so decent, while we were not at all lunch kind of people, we were and still are 5 shots of anything unethical down kind of people.

***

Next morning, Samay called me right at 10 while I was still asleep, I welcomed him in as he continued yelling at me for not being ready. I don't know why he even keeps expecting me on time after having known me for two long years.

I calmed him down by serving my instant already beaten hot coffee, the weather was just on the verge of crisping those days, also Samay is so easy to deal if you can just offer him something to drink or eat. I switched on the LED for him so he could kill time while I got ready.

***

An hour of roaming around every possible store, we were sitting at a random railing eating roadside maggi.

"I don't want to buy anything for her" he is beyond just unstable and unpredictable.

"What now?"

"There are just so many people already making her feel so special, what could I possibly do to even compete that level."

"Oh, you are just thinking too much, we're buying that tshirt thing, cool no?" though I knew that he wasn't feeling anything unnatural.

"No, I'm no longer in a mood." he straight away declared heading back towards the car indicating me to leave.

"What the fuck! You are so fickle minded Samay"

***

"I'll pick you up at 1" I said as he got out of the car.

"1 means 1!" he proclaimed.

We still had time so I dropped him to office and drove back home to get shower.

"It's 1.15, are you even coming?" Samay called.

"I'm on my way, 5 minutes." I hung up, I was still thinking what could I do of my hair in front of the mirror.

***

Samay always waits for me and we in turn wait for others. We had come to the City's only good mall to wait for Kiara to come. Me and Samay roamed around every possible corner of the mall. It was 2 and Kiara was supposed to be there by 1.30.

"Where are you?" I finally called her.

"Hey, I'm at my flat, it'll take me around half an hour more" Kiara said.

"Okay, No problem" I hung up.

"What?" Samay inquired.

"30 minutes" I said knowing his reaction already

"What the fuck, why can't she ever keep us in our priorities?" He snatched his phone from my hand, "We're leaving right now. I don't have whole day" He said typing something in his phone.

"Who are you texting?" I asked

"I've messaged Kiara that we are leaving and she replied with an ok"

"No, we aren't. It's her last day. Don't mess it up" I yelled at him.

"It's already messed up. She always does this. She comes hours late and leaves hours before us. Why? Are we the least important ones. And don't you try to make me understand anything now. I'm leaving, you can stay if you want to." Samay was in his most disappointed tone.

"Okay if you want that" I started walking along with him.

"But, at least we can eat here. I'm hungry" I said.

"Yes sure, to the food court" he said as we headed to take the lift for top floor.

This is the thing about Samay. He could stay there aimlessly for two more hours but couldn't wait 20 minutes for Kiara.

***

 We got our Cheese Chicken Pasta and a sizzler on our table after few minutes of ordering.

"I'm sorry, I wanted to meet you. But you have fun."

I whatsapped Kiara without letting Samay know about it, to which Kiara instantly replied

"I wanted to meet you guys too and I was so excited about it. I'm at my flat and not having any fun. There was some problem here which is why I got late. Some days are just meant to be spoiled.

Anyways, I'll miss you babe. I love you." 

The last three words of her message echoed in my mind for more than 90 seconds of reading it. I loved her too much to say it back.

I'm coming to pick you up in 10 minutes. Come out of your flat when I call

 I couldn't let myself or Samay regret not meeting up the last day.

***

"I'm coming with you just because you pushed me" He said as I took left way to Kiara's flat.

"I know, now just behave and don't be rude. Do this for me. We don't know when are we meeting next, So just be nice. Okay? No angry taunts"

I stopped and called Kiara, she was already standing out there and started walking to the car from a few meters away. She wore beige jacket and black jeans and carried her flattering handbag in style. Her mid hair curly bangs hanged on her shoulders. She looked beautiful as ever.

"What's upppppp babe" I tried to keep the situation normal as she got into the car.

"I'm sorry guys"

"Oh no relax"

***

Twenty minutes later of unusual semi formal talks in the car, we were back to the mall wondering what to do with lives anymore. With Samay not in his best tone to Kiara, it was just not the same. I took my phone out and called Aarav to get him out of office and have him with us so we four could have one last time together. Thankfully and to my surprise I didn’t have to beg him to join us. Aarav is super moody and not mostly available kind of friend but we still found it worth calling and having like having around, no matter what.

“I just hope Aarav comes on time, Kiara must have to leave soon for other plans” Samay finally broke he silence, as we stood near the cascades on the front of the mall waiting for Aarav. I smirked at Samay, I knew it would take him a few taunts to get normal.

Kiara had her very close friends outside our group which we many a times got irritated of when her plans with them clashed ours. Samay had a big time issue with this.

“I said I’m sorry Samay. I was stucked.”  Kiara said in her repentant tone.

Samay didn’t look at her, I slid my shoulder with his’ directing him to buy it and stay calm. He followed so.

“Here is my darling” out of nowhere, Aarav hugged Samay from behind.

We turned and side hugged Aarav after he was done with his extra special hug to Samay.

***

We four finally managed on one table of Brooklyn, where we paid little more than extra to have roadside feel of some other country. We loved the ambience though.

Kiara and Samay sat on one side of the table and me and Aarav on the other. It was mostly this way.

“Oh you look gorgeous Kiara” Aarav started, yes, thank you as if I was not even there.

Kiara winked and set her hair with her fingers.
“Yeah Motti, Click my picture with her” Samay got little closer to her. He could never stay mad at Kiara for too long. He’d get over too brusque, too impatient, too angry and yet always end up staying there for her, with her.

“Oh yes, pictures” Kiara posed along with Samay.

So we had this never ending picture session started.

“Hey hey, just because it’s my phone camera doesn’t mean I have to be the photographer” I handed my phone over to Aarav as I realized after clicking tens of pictures.

Samay posed casually with straight face and his ever drunk eyes. Kiara’s eyes, beautifully complimented with jet black eye liner added charm to each picture she was in. Aarav would pose like a cool dude, or for the purpose of fitting in square box of whatsapp display picture. While I tried posing natural but not so natural that I looked fat. We shifted places every minute so to have all permutations combinations clicked.

“Would you like some starters, Sir?” The well dressed waiter came to ask if we were there just to click pictures, but in a kind way.

“Oh yes, give us two minutes” Aarav said.

We ordered rum and beer with pizza and two of some fancy named snacks which we later regretted , I wanted to stay sober since I had to drive back home, so coffee for me.

Samay kept complaining how boring it was for him to stay all day at office with Kiara having left and me unnecessarily bunking. Though I just had my classes started so I didn’t want anyone to talk about what was up with my life, it stinked of Finals’ tutions. Aarav worked as an accounts head in some electricity department. So Samay always had a topic for him, why won’t he waive off his flat’s last year’s sixty thousand bill, which had nothing to do with Aarav’s job. And Aarav always had this one complaint why I never wrote about us. Kiara wasn’t too fond of the idea of going back to Shimla, though she was excited for redecorating her room back in her place and being with her family.

We got our order and clicked pictures with the food again, I had my coffee. Kiara wanted me to have a sip from her rum anyway, because shagun! The pizza we had there was a complete delight. Rest was all crap.

 We kept talking random with no intentions to leave till I got a call from mom.

***

“There is little something in your bag, see it only when I drop you” I looked at Kiara from the rear view mirror as she sat with Aarav in the back seat. I had written a few lines on a paper cloth about how special she was to me. This is all I ever had and will ever have, to gift to someone, my words. I had smartly slid it in her bag.

She instantly checked her bag till she realized something in it.

“This is lovely, Thank you so much” She blushed.

“That is very simple stuff, I know you have people who make you feel very special but I couldn’t do any better”
Samay nodded and looked at me with yes-i-totally-agree-with-you look. What he agreed to, in the back of his mind, was that she had more important people than we were to her.

“Don’t say like that Eleena, I feel beyond special right now” Kiara’s honesty was easily traceable.

I smiled.

We all got out of the car in 32’s market from where Kiara and Aarav had to depart. There were hugs, promises and plans of meeting soon. We promised Kiara that we’d soon visit her in Shimla and get super high. Deep inside we all knew that it wasn’t happening any soon. Aarav gave her best to Kiara and left as he had to drive long way to his home in time.

Kiara tightly hugged me one last time before leaving. It was then that I realized that she was actually going and I’ll not see her around anymore, though I rarely saw her those days.
I got back in the car waiving her goodbye and wishing her the best. Samay was already inside. He didn’t look back. 

“Is that a tear?” He broke the silence after I drove for few meters in silence.

“No! What? Why on the earth would I cry?” I looked in the right side sucking the tear back.

“See, it’s all good in the end, I told you so, Things shall never remain unfinished” I switched to flaunting how right it was to have farewell meet.

“You are the best” Samay was happy and sad altogether.

“HaHa” I winked.

“Eleena”

“aHaan”

“I really like this girl” He confessed as I stopped the car at a hundred seconds red light.

“Sure you do, I know that” I smiled for him.

He was smiling like a crazy person.

“No, I mean I can never stay mad at her. She is very special to me.”

“I get that Samay.” I tapped the back of her right hand.

“How do you get that? ”
“Oh come on, you never behave that way when I get late or delay plans. I looked at him expecting him to make an eye contact, which he didn’t. “You know what I mean”

The car behind me blew horn to drive through the green light.

“Waise It’s always you and me in the end” he continued to switch subjects and his liking for Kiara to his liking for me.

“Hahaa yes always”

“Why don’t you become Aarav’s pakhar ?” he had to use this Punjabi word for girlfriend every now and then, which me and Aarav taught him.

“Oh please!” I was used to this disgusted reaction irrespective of even discovering how I felt. We laughed.

I wondered all my way back, what was it about these people, I loved them. What exactly Samay had for Kiara for he had never wanted to have her  and how Kiara felt about it. Why couldn’t we dislike Aarav for ditching us on two trip plans in a row. What could be better than what me and Samay shared (bhai bhai). The flashback of Aarav and Samay’s darling hug made me think if these two could be gay. And why was I missing Kiara already when I had peacefully spent weeks not even seeing her. I wondered why was love so narrowly defined.

That day.That moment.

So many years later

of ever working hours 

and invariably paid bills,  

of loving your own people,

unnoticed as ever,

the inherited goodness  

for no conviction, and

behind discrete kindness

for unworthy.

A day shall come, when

you'll stand in front of mirror

and look into the only pair of eyes

that matter,

there'll be a pale face, around

too-late-to-realize years old.

You'll smile test yourself, and get

the unhealed remains of your heart

the dead memories of good times

lingering on your lips.

A time shall come,

when out of nowhere

and nothingness,

you'll have yourself, knocking

at your own door

craving to move back

within you, baggage free.

You'll probably let 

the lost stranger from past in

and with no time, 

it shall fit like a puzzle piece

into the emptiness of a lifetime.

In the crave of being a right person, we forgot being ourselves. 

Dear girls,
Respect the man who respects you, when you're not around.

If we cannot keep ourselves from doing good even to people who care the least, let's just accept that we are too good to be unkind. 

I just wonder how our lives would be if there was no social networking.
How less people we would have known.
How more we could have known less people.

It doesn't take hatred to stop loving someone. It takes forgiveness.